I fight these feelings every time they come. I don't want to think about this stuff. I know that I am blessed abundantly by my family, friends, and church. It's not as if I am sad about today. I think I am greiving that one, horrible day. And every year from now until April 18th, I compare what we are doing now with what we were doing then. Feb 16, the day Drew had his first open-heart surgery. Feb 29, diaphragm placation & extubation, Mar 9 transferred back to UCD, April 13, g-tube surgery, and finally April 18 the day we brought him home, ten weeks after he was born. And mixed in there are Valentine's Day, my birthday, and Easter. All of which we "celebrated" in the hospital.
Every year I think, this will be the year that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. Yes, that was the worst day of my life, but that was then and it's over. But I wonder if that day will ever come. Maybe it's the kind of thing that I will never forget, never stop grieving. And so what if I have a couple of blue days around this time every year? The reason I fight these feelings is because it's unpleasant. It doesn't feel good. I want to focus on the positive. But maybe these feelings demand to be recognized. Maybe if I honor them and really feel them on this one day they can be safely tucked away the rest of the year.