Sunday, February 10, 2008

February 10th

Today is the anniversary of the worst day of my life. The day that we found out that no, we didn't have a perfect healthy baby boy the day before as we had thought. We had a very sick baby. And I relive each year on this day the moment I found out. I remember running behind the basinette as they rushed my day old baby to the NICU. I remember waiting outside the NICU while they stabilized him. And mostly, I remember that I only had a few hours of the bliss of having my brand new baby before it was destroyed by the reality that we might not ever bring him home with us. Those first few days are a blur, but not because we were sleep deprived by having our newborn wake us up every few hours. It was the shock, complete upheaval and disbelief. It was meeting with doctors, lots of them, to hear a diagnosis, a surgical plan, discussing our options that exhausted us.

I fight these feelings every time they come. I don't want to think about this stuff. I know that I am blessed abundantly by my family, friends, and church. It's not as if I am sad about today. I think I am greiving that one, horrible day. And every year from now until April 18th, I compare what we are doing now with what we were doing then. Feb 16, the day Drew had his first open-heart surgery. Feb 29, diaphragm placation & extubation, Mar 9 transferred back to UCD, April 13, g-tube surgery, and finally April 18 the day we brought him home, ten weeks after he was born. And mixed in there are Valentine's Day, my birthday, and Easter. All of which we "celebrated" in the hospital.

Every year I think, this will be the year that stuff doesn't bother me anymore. Yes, that was the worst day of my life, but that was then and it's over. But I wonder if that day will ever come. Maybe it's the kind of thing that I will never forget, never stop grieving. And so what if I have a couple of blue days around this time every year? The reason I fight these feelings is because it's unpleasant. It doesn't feel good. I want to focus on the positive. But maybe these feelings demand to be recognized. Maybe if I honor them and really feel them on this one day they can be safely tucked away the rest of the year.

February 9th

February 10th

February 9th

February 10th


Kate said...

the thing i like best about this post is that it shows that you aren't beating yourself up so much anymore. heck yeah, honor your feelings so they aren't lurking out there to blindside you. i just woke up so forgive my english-no-make-sensey. i feel that this deserves an a.c. -- awesome commemoration? awesome catharsis? anyway, i love ya!

Awesome Mom said...

I feel the same way. When we had Harry I was constantly thinking well Evan was still in the hospital when he was this age. That is what was going on when Evan was that age. For me I get hit the hardest on the anniversary of his stroke. It happened at my inlaw's house and every time we go there I remember. I can't sleep in the bedroom where it happened. It does not help that his stroke happened the day after Thanksgiving so there are a lot of strong associations with it.

Molly said...

Drew is such a miracle. What a blessing!

Vanessa said...

You are doing fine. Maybe one day you won't have these feelings around this time of year, but its okay that you do. Unlike you, we knew of Arianna's CHD when I was pregnant. I couldn't imagine what it would of been like to find out right after she was born. In a way in was a blessing but in a way it wasn't. I had months to think about the what if's but we wouldn't know how she would be until she was born.

Just rejoice today in knowing that Drew is alive and well. Yes we all face the unknown future but we face it together.

Anonymous said...

Your courage to honor your TRUE feelings and not try to hide them away is an absolute inspiration Andrea!! It reminds me to honor my own no matter how much I "think" I should be over them. Thank you for that reminder. Your blog provides such a service to me and I am sure countless others. I know thats not why you are writing it but it is the truth. I love you Andrea!!