I was at my Mom Connection group today and we were asked to pray that God would give us the strength to resist becoming anxious about our children and the discipline to not demand everything about our child's life be "our way." I felt like I had to practically stand up and shout "I am really, REALLY anxious about my child's life right now. Really." I know that Drew's life is in God's hands and that whatever happens will happen according to God's purpose for our lives. But what I want about Drew's life to be "my way" is just for him to be ok. And I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed with making this most recent decision.
Some news: when I called our cardiologist to tell him what Dr. Azakie said about the possibility of a complete repair he wasn't as excited as me. He said that we'd already talked to two great surgeons who didn't think that was the best option. He reiterated that when we asked him what he would do he said he would go to Stanford and that hasn't changed. He said we needed to trust the person doing the surgery and that he trusted Dr. Raff and he trusted Dr. Hanley. And that's all he said. From what it sounds like, he might as well have said "and I don't trust Dr. Azakie." The hard part is, I don't know why. And I have a feeling he can't tell me why. He said we need to be comfortable wherever we go, and the truth is that there is nothing comfortable about this. I am definitely uncomfortable.
Dan and I talked it over and while I am leaning toward Stanford, he is leaning toward UCSF. His reasoning is that he thinks there must be a benefit to having the same surgeon who has already seen and touched Drew's heart do the next surgery. He thinks that maybe the reason the other surgeons wouldn't have done a Norwood and a Glenn is that maybe Dr. Azakie was hoping to get to this place (of a possible repair) the whole time. And we are both lured by the possibility of Drew having a (relatively) normal heart and no more heart surgeries.
But this is where my fear really comes in. The other surgeons said that a repair is a much more complicated (and therefore risky) surgery. Are we will to take a greater risk to have a better long-term outcome? All I really want is for my son to come home with me after surgery. If we try to do something great and we end up losing him I won't be able to live with that. And so that is where we are right now. Anxious. About our child.
Our prayer verse for today's mom connection was very appropriate and is what I will be praying in the coming days:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding: in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.